WHO ARE YOU STALKING?

After falling in love with a vegetarian, who wouldn’t kiss me after I ate meat, my choice was to continue to eat meat or become a vegetarian with her. Have her call me “Beef Lips” or go cold tofurky. So during the three years my ex-girlfriend and I dated, we were both vegetarian for two and a half years. She was a strict vegetarian and I guess you can say I was a strict vegetarian by association. We were not the kind of vegetarians that eat only fish and occasionally chicken. Not the kind of vegetarians that eat vegetarian 99% of the time then eat bacon on special occasions. We were vegetarians that made sure rice wasn’t cooked in chicken broth. We were vegetarians that ate jackfruit carnitas because jackfruit tastes a lot like pork when prepared properly. Jackfruit carnitas taste similar to pork, which is not to say it tastes the same. Similar!

So recently I went Google Stalking looking to see what my ex-girlfriend was up to. Why? More or less to torture myself. I saw she was still working at her old job. Still frequented the same websites she used to, using the same username she always used. Then I, the Google Stalker, found something very interesting. She’s started posting reviews on Yelp, the restaurant review website that gives everyone a voice even if they shouldn’t have one. The restaurant review site we used to make fun of together because everyone on there seems more interested in being “discovered” for their “hilarious” Carls Jr. review than actually providing any actual information in their reviews. Well, now she was writing reviews on there. So there’s that! But it gets worst. She was still going to restaurants that we used to go to together. Same crappy vegetarian restaurants that I had to suffer through. Macrobiotic? How about Nasty-As-Crap-iotic? She was describing what a wonderful sport her “BF” was. (BTW, BF is boyfriend or so I deduced from an online dictionary for twenty-somethings that use twelve-year-olds’ lingo.) Her BF, get a load of this, tried all of her vegetarian plates no matter how gross he thought they were. I tried all of your gross food for 2 years and 6 months! Wasn’t I a good sport? Then I read the nail in the coffin. Her new “BF” absolutely loved this one restaurant, but all their specialty was steak. Well, it seems she really wanted to experience what it was that her “BF” enjoyed so much so she had a steak and now she’s hooked. Ugh. How about you stab my in the eye with a steak knife?