WHO ARE YOU STALKING?

So I searched for this guy I used to date. He was a total loser. I went to Prom with him and we had sex for the first time that night — cliche! Then, like, three weeks later I find out he was dating a cheerleader from a town, two towns over in Roselle. Roselle, NJ is filled with whores, btw. I just wanted to say that. So Jimmy, that was the loser’s name, dates this other girl for like ten minutes and last I hear of him, he went to Hollywood to be an actor. Ha! Keep smokin that reefer, Jimmy! Keep smokin’ it! I figured he’d be a porn actor by now — this is seven years later. So I googlestalk his ass. Turns out he never made it as an actor — surprise, surprise. The googlestalking turned up his name as a top salesman for this company. Well, it look like Jimmy’s made something of himself. Then I dig a little bit into the website and it turns out he sells Bariatric beds. That’s right, he sells beds for fat chicks. That’s the dream, Jimmy. Congrats!

I’m divorced about three years now. Been dating here and there, nothing that memorable. Because of my job (parking enforcer. Yes, I’m a guy meter maid. Stop mocking me.), I don’t have an office to mingle with other people, so it’s hard to meet women. Sometimes I meet women at bars but (and maybe it’s my luck) but I never meet anyone I’m truly interested in at a bar. Or at least the bars I go to. So about a year ago, I went to my fifteen year high school reunion. Everyone looked the same plus dough. Money and dough around the middle. Just about everyone now had kids. Some were still married, some divorced like me. Then I ran into Kim — (EDITOR’S NOTE: Submit your own Google Stalking story, but leave off last names.). We dated briefly Junior year of high school. For about two months. All we did was kiss, but she was the one, ya know? The one I always wanted to be with. We never even officially broke up. I went away for the summer and when I returned she had moved on and we just ignored each other. Well, she ignored me.

Time does heal all wounds. Kim and I talked for about thirty minutes at the reunion. We were frank about what had happened fifteen years ago. Both realizing we were just kids and didn’t know how to end the relationship properly. She wasn’t married or divorced, looked great. No kids, not that a lot of that mattered, as long as she wasn’t currently married. When we were ready to leave, there was no way I was letting her leave without getting her phone number. Which I did!

When I got home, I wanted to call her immediately, but I decided to wait a day before calling. I didn’t want to come off as desperate. Not sure if anyone cares about this ‘one-day rule’ or not, but I wanted to play it safe. But curosity still had me. I wanted to know more about her and what she had been up to so I turned to Google. Time for some Googlestalking! At first I found nothing but some marathon results. I guess she had done some running. Then the search result I didn’t want to find, I found. She had a blog. Not just any blog but a blog about her life as a lesbian. She didn’t hate men, just not that into them. Guess I misread her interest at the reunion. She didn’t want to date me, she needed someone for her mixed softball team.