WHO ARE YOU STALKING?

So I go out on the date with this girl. Looker? Perhaps. Don’t matter, she’s a redhead and we both know that you wanna sleep with her just to find out if the carpet matches the drapes (or curtains or whatever the cliche is… Fill in the effin blank.). After the date, I hit Google to stalk her. Find out what I can. Ran a couple of marathons… Went to college… Wrote for the newspaper or something… Then I find the good stuff…. Seems she used to be married to…. Wait for it… This is good…. Here it comes… Jason Alexander! Nope, not from Seinfeld! Nope, not Mr. Britney Spears of two minutes. Remember him? Anyway, she was married to some random dude whose name is Jason Alexander. Now that I know she used to be married. I’m quitting this insane beez’natch. She shoulda told me and she didn’t. Lame.

NOTE FROM EDITOR: We chose to leave in the name for this Google Stalking story because it was sorta the point, but this was an exception to the rule. Carry on.

My boss at Sizzler would always say these things like, “Hey, L—, what are you doing after work? You wanna see a movie or something. I know this place that has the best sundaes. Do you like sundaes? Chocolate covered rice krisipies? I like those.” Or some creepy stuff. I don’t even know. It just would just freak me out. And I would look him up on Google — Cause I’m totally a Google stalker. Anyway, there’s nothing there. Couldn’t find anything at all. Then one day when he has use cleaning up the grill after hours I see a police ticket hanging out of his jacket pocket. So I look to see what he got a ticket… Well, the ticket was nothing, but his name on the ticket was completely different than the one he had told us. So I go home and search for his real name–Convict! For realz! His back story is tore up from the floor up! I so wanna quit my job now…